Thursday, May 15, 2014

Three Weeks Later....

I have been following this blog the past few months.  A five year old twin boy that started having headaches in January was diagnosed with incurable brain tumor.  Ben Sauer is his name and his mother has been blogging about their journey.

 My mom asked a few months ago why in the world I would immerse myself in such a sad story.  I told her that the mother knew her son was leaving for heaven and I knew our baby Tallie was leaving to her bio dads--both impending, permanent losses yet different circumstances.  The mother's heart-wrenching words brought both comfort and validation to my pain.  Her blog post this morning brought the sad news that her son had died.  She writes that though you know the loss is coming, nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize they are gone.

  Many people have asked me if knowing that Tallie was most likely going to leave made it easier... I don't think it did.  In fact, I think it drew out the pain as we fixated on the impending doom.  I felt guilty when I was frustrated with her ( as one gets with fussy babies at times) as I wanted to just drink in every moment with her.  I felt guilty folding clothes and not playing with her, I felt guilty feeling irritated when she needed holding EVERY moment when she would come home from a visit with her bio dad. It was EXHAUSTING, yet I wanted no regrets. I was terrified of having regrets after she was gone.  And yet,  a mama has to tend to her children, her husband, the laundry, homeschooling, church, etc.... 

 And now the guilt comes in other forms.  Is there more I could have shared with Tallie's lawyer, is there more I could have done to change the outcome of the case?  GUILT!

 Instead of basking of my other two lovebugs' snuggles early in the morning, I feel the stark absence of a pudgy, curly-haired baby that coos in my ear.  I remember my friend blogging about her grief and how numb she had become to everyone.  I feel that same way. GUILT!

 I am in my own little world processing and want to shut everyone else out.  GUILT!

I worry about her.  I KNOW she is missing us and I hope she is being comforted.  I am so worried that she feels abandoned by us.  GUILT!  I speak Truth back to myself, knowing that our family provided her with 10 months of joy and love, but the Enemy attacks. 

 I force myself to participate in life, but I am not truly "living" it right now.. just going through the motions.  I rarely take phone calls as it is hard for me to "small talk", as I know I just can't vomit my heart-ache and anger (towards DHS, bio-dad, etc)  to everyone.

  People have seen me out and about smiling and doing "life" and note that I seem to be doing fine.  That is called compartmentalizing, my friends.  I am fine because I cling to the Truth of Christ, but that simply does not erase the sadness.  I am grateful for the snippets of joy and fun that have come and gone in the last few weeks, but her little grin-face is always, always right in my line of vision. 

 It has been three weeks since I have seen her and I know she has learned new words, new tricks, more curls sprouting and it is killing me to not be there with her.  I wonder if she dreams of us and smiles in her sleep and our silliness.

  I wonder if her bio dad lets her play with the little baby album I made for her.  I wonder if he lets her play with her dolly and wubbanub that I mailed.

  My thoughts are constantly with her, and I know that it is robbing me of my life in the present, but I am so afraid that those thoughts will start to fade away.  I am fearful of getting back to normal as I feel guilty for "letting her go".

  On Mother's Day, our family sat around our Ipad and watched videos of Tallie.  My favorite one was where I was trying to do patty-cake with her ( we always end with a declaration of "MOMMY HUG!").  This particular time, she did not want to do patty-cake, she just wanted to do the "mommy hug" over and over.  I am so thankful that because we are aware of her possible leaving, we tried to record many special moments.  Here is a short video of her that makes me smile....Tallie "uh, oh"

 I feel God's healing presence.  He has not abandoned me or my family and I trust that he has not abandoned our sweet Tallie.  I see His blessings everywhere.  We have been so blessed by the outpouring of love and support.  Meals made for us, thoughtful gifts, cards, phone calls.... we have felt the love of our spiritual family.   I see my children healing, the anger subsiding and I see them seek God for their comfort and not turn from Him as Mickey was very upset with God for not intervening.  Mickey is now learning to trust that God has it all under control and we can trust His ways.  I thank God that he has captured my son's heart and not letting Mickey give into anger and grudges. 

We will never stop praying that bio dad will have compassion and will allow us to see Tallie again.  We welcome anyone to join us in that!


Kaci said...

Tricia, that was beautiful truth. I know its not exactly relevent, but I just watched this video called "not forgotten" and when you mentioned not being abandoned, it reminded me of it.

Rachel Judt said...

I love you Tricia! I'm so sorry for your pain, but I believe God turns the bad into good. I'm praying that you experience that quickly!

Blume Family said...

We understand your great loss, numbness... This week marks 1 year for our loss. It is a grief journey through all of the stages. We will keep praying for your family and though I didn't believe it when others said does get eventually get not as "raw". We miss you all!

friends said...

If you ever want to talk with someone who's been there, feel free to call. I had Christian from 6 pounds to 2 years. The grief was so intense, yet it wasn't legitimized by a visitation or funeral. Not only do you have the grief of a parent who loses a child through death, but the ongoing stress of wondering how they are doing, often in less than ideal circumstances. May the grace and love of our Heavenly Father, Who also had to give up a Child keep the scar on your heart soft. I'm praying for you all, Janette

Luann said...


Love and prayers coming your way! May you continue to glorify and trust God through the pain and sorrow.

Love you,


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