Sunday, February 11, 2018

Settling In

It has been seven days since we arrived in France.

 I feel like we were tossed inside a front load washing machine for the last seven days and now trying to get our footing.  By the way.  I am writing this at 12:30 at night and can barely keep my eyes open but don't want to much time to go by without a bit of a mention of the first week.

 There have been quite a bit of highs and lows. The lows include the toilet suddenly springing a leak and quickly flooding.  (Yes, our flooding problems have followed us to France).  The landlord had suffered two deaths in his family so he was unreachable.  And, well to be honest... even if we could reach him, we cannot communicate with him.

 Also IKEA was supposed to deliver and set up all of our furniture before our arrival.  They did not.   Actually, the lack of furniture was not the huge problem... it was the lack of other household items that we had ordered and needed pronto... laundry baskets, waste baskets, silverware, glasses, plates...etc.  Since we did not have a definite confirmation of when it could be delivered, we cancelled our order and started all over! 

Then our nanny arrived and we were delighted to finally have an interpreter in our home  to help us muddle through, but alas it all started out very badly! There was a misunderstanding about the cats she was bringing and for a few hours we were not sure if we were going to have a nanny or not.  I literally thought she was going to walk out the door.  It was terrifying.  The realization that I might not have an interpreter on hand was paralyzing. This had been my main plan for survival.

Now most of you think... oh you can totally get by being an English speaker in France.  No.  Not true.  Not in small town Southern France.  In Paris, yes.  No problem.  The other night, I sank in my bed and asked Siri to set an alarm for me.  When she responded so kindly, I felt relief that someone understood me.  I am such a communicator and relationship builder that this is so frustrating for me.

 Grocery stores and such have become terrifying places.  Apparently my fresh fruit was a huge problem and the cashier was trying to tell me that I needed to do something differently.  No matter  how many times she repeated it emphatically, I could not understand.  The line behind me was restless and I felt humiliated.  (I have since found out that the fresh fruit and veggies has a counter that you go to for weighing and tagging before checking out)  Oh this is a humbling experience.

And so on Tuesday, Nick and I begin French lessons.  Have you ever doubted that you could actually learn something?  That is me, and I could spout of a list of things that I have been unable to learn.  I think that I get anxiety and the adrenaline muddles my brain's ability to process.  So those of you who pray,  I would love some prayers in this area.

Okay.  Now that you are feeling dreadfully miserable about our experience so far... all is not so gloomy!  For one, despite the intial interaction with Luisa,  we have loved having her here. She fits into our family so well.  She has helped us so much by translating for us with the schools, our landlord, restaurants, etc.  and we are incredibly grateful!  We all enjoy her presence and she seems to enjoy being around us as well!

And let me tell you about Caite.  Caite is 18 and has babysat for us for a few years and our families are close friends.  We had asked her if she wanted to come with us to France to help us as we simply could not process how to move through airports and customs with gargantuan amounts of luggage and the Littles!  She agreed to come with us and be our Sherpa.  Nick and I looked at each other several times throughout our lengthy air affair and agreed that Caite was the best thing that ever happened to us and that we could not have done it without her. 

We of course had several airport fiascos.  Not only was I flagged, searched and fully patted down, (and I do mean fully)... I also had all of our snacks confiscated due to them having two alarms at the gallon ziploc.  Apparently this was a really big deal as the airport people had to call a BigWig to ask for protocol of such magnitude.  As they whisked away my means of keeping my four kiddos complacent, I nearly broke down.  I had made a SPECIAL trip to Target and Marshalls to pick out the ideal snacks to eat; healthy and sustaining, not messy and liked by my four.  Taking away the snacks was like taking away the LIFE LINE!

Oh, and then there was the small ordeal of me not having  a ticket from Belgium to France.  The whole plane was loaded and my family was frantically watching me at the ticket counter.  They had no record of me having a ticket on that flight.  Once again,  more BigWigs had to be called for such things.

 Why did I not have a ticket?  Well, when I check in at Moline, they said they could not print me a ticket because my seat had not been assigned and to get ticketed at Chicago.  Chicago said the seat was not yet assigned so just merely get my ticket printed in Belgium.  The kids were beginning to panic that I would not be accompanying them to France.   At this point... I was totally okay with it.   Just deport me back to the USA and send the kids and hubby back in a week.

Wait, I was moving away from the gloomy stuff and I got sucked back in.  Bottom line, Caite and Luisa have been golden and am so thankful!

We have had many other first this week.  One being Solomon and Maylen attending school.  I honestly have never been so impressed with them in my whole life.  Their courage was astounding as I saw their faith sustain them.  They left terrified, and came home with excitement and joy!   Both had been welcomed beyond their expectations.  They saw and knew God's provisions for them and it was a huge WIN!  Up until this...  everything had been pretty bleak.  Solomon has an English teacher that is totally looking out for him and one classmate that is from England.  This Maximillian sought Solomon out immediately and took him under his wing. Solomon said it was just like Harry Potter arriving at Hogwarts... complete with the English accent.

And Maylen,  sweet Maylen.... We took her into the school just to find out what we were supposed to do.  The Director and Luisa spoke rapidly to each other and I was told that we were taking Maylen to her classroom and that I was supposed to come back at 11:45 to pick her up!  Um, Maylen was not  planning on going to school that day, but she took a deep breath, shot me a panicked look and went off with her teacher...that only speaks French.  But at 11:45 when I nervously stood by the gates with the other parents to pick up my daughter, I saw a shiny eyed, bouncy red-head coming my way!  She had a wonderful time!  She was surrounded at recess she told me, with no place to move as everyone wanted to play with the American.  The students are over the moon excited to have her and so excited to teach her French as they try out the few English words they know on her.

They are now on Spring break for two weeks, and I am so glad they got to experience school before break so that the nervousness did not continue to mount.  They both feel great about school and are excited to go back.

We have felt so warmly welcomed in this picturesque little village!  It truly looks like something from a storybook.  People are happy to have us here and cannot believe that someone from so far away has moved into Saint Galmier.  When then they hear our English, they ask "England?"  When we reply, "United States", their eyes get big with disbelief.  I found it curious that they could not differentiate between a British accent and the American accent, but would I be able to differentiate between different French dialects?  Of course not! 

And not to be left out, I too have a friend.  The English teacher at Solomon's school emailed me to invite me to tea.  She is delighted to speak English with someone and we get along great!  Maylen was so proud of me as we all had our first "playdate" invites this first week!  I realized that Solomon and Maylen were also worried about me, like I am concerned about them.  They are so happy I have a friend.  When I told some of my US friends about this, they were convinced that this would be the first of many friends.  HA!  It is very hard to make friends without the ability to speak to each other and she is the only English teacher in town! But even if I only have one friend in my two years here, I am incredibly thankful for the one God provided!

Today we visited the church that we had visited last summer on our Look and See Trip.  The worship through singing is great.  Most of the songs are familiar, that even though it is being sung in a different language, the words we know in our heart.  But the sermon.  Excruciating.  It was incredibly hard to listen to a completely different language.  I read some passages in the Bible, read a devotional on my phone from John MacArthur,  and tried to pick out any familiar French words.  I found a few.  Like three.  Not enough to string together anything meaningful!  The church is in a bigger town called Saint Etienne and there is a few English speakers there.

Today after church we found out that there was a castle 10 minutes away from our home.  We had a wonderful family day (plus Caite and Luisa) walking around and discovering a quaint little village nearby.

Well, this girl needs to get to bed.  Lots of organization tomorrow, and lots more furniture assembly.  Nick starts work tomorrow, leaving us car-less and Nick-less.

We are so grateful for the easy connections that technology provides!  We love being able to FB messenger video chat and keep up with our friends and family via fb.

Having trouble with the pics, so those will have to come later!

Thursday, November 30, 2017

2017 Christmas Letter

Welcome back to this dusty old blog!  I am resurrecting this ol' writing space for the sake of a travel journal--and of course this year's Christmas letter (2017). 

It has been three years since we have sent out any updates on our life by way of pictures or Christmas cards.  This has not been for any lack of happenings, but on the contrary and Christmas card mailings  have sunk to the bottom of our priority list.  It is actually still there, but we did not feel it was fair to flee the country and not give any info on the happenings in our family over the past few years.

So I will start with France.  Yes.  We are moving to France for two years come January 24th.  The most oft question asked is:  Are you excited about it?  And the answer to that question is:  We have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off for so many months trying to prep for this move that we have not had a lot of time to process our "feelings".  No time for that.  I guess we will process when we get there and we sit around in our French home and have no one but ourselves to talk to.

The next question:  Do you know French?  No.  Refer to previous answer.  We do know that cheese is fromage and we plan to eat a lot of that.

We are moving to a small town of 5000 in SE France.  We will be dual-enrolling our children in the French school in the village.  They do not speak any English there-- except for the English teacher, which we have met and I have plans to become best friends with her.  We visited a wonderful little church that we loved and plan to attend.  A gentleman named John from England offered to sit behind us and translate the sermon.  He may have a full-time job doing so for the next few years! Hubby has been working for Federal Mogul in Burlington for the past six years and the French plant is instituting a new line of spark plugs for BMW and apparently Federal Mogul thought that moving our wild clan overseas was going to be the best way to do this.  Our nearest biggish city is Saint Etienne which is 30 minutes away, and the big cool city nearest us is Lyon which is about an hour away and approx the same size as Saint Louis.  We also will be living a little more than an hour away from a famed French Alps ski town called Grenoble.

We are keeping our home here in the Midwest and we have friends that are moving in to care-take for our home.

Okay.  Now that the France topic is settled, let's move on to our little Gremlins.  We have added two since our last official family news release.  Three years ago, we added B-man to our family.  He came to us through foster care and after parental rights were terminated, we welcomed him into our family.  Meet B-man

B-man was 20 months when he came to live with us but now is a whopping five years of age!  B-man's main interests are train videos, playing outside, driving his tractors around the house and chatting.  Oh, and I cannot forget bike-riding.  He loves that.  And whistling. He in fact is the only child in our home who knows how to whistle and he carries that banner high!  B-man has been in preschool the last two years.  B-man is unconcerned about our move to France and is very excited about riding the trains in Europe.  He is very verbal so we expect he will be fluent in French within three weeks of our arrival (give or take).

This past March we added another little one.  Meet Curly Girly!  Curly Girly was ten days old when she came to live in our home via foster care.  We got to adopt her in March at 14 months old.  She was a sweet, cheerful baby who has morphed into a joyful and ornery toddler who turned two this fall.   She is social as all get out and is in party mode at all times.  Curly Girly's siblings are the delight of her life.  She loves to sing and pretty much seeks to entertain us at all times!  Meet Curly Girly...

Next up is Strawberry.  Strawberry is nine years old and is known for her red hair with strawberry blonde highlights.  Strawberry just keeps getting longer and stretching out like a weed.  She is our soulful, deeply insightful child.  She would read books for 10 hours a day if we let her.  Her other minor hobbies are basketball, soccer, playing outside and creating imaginative play for the littles.  Strawberry is a gentle-hearted soul with plenty of spice on the side.  What a delightful combination she is. Strawberry is pretty gung-ho about moving.  Turns out she has a sense of adventure that was lurking beneath the surface.  

And now Sojo.  Sojo is in middle school (gulp).  Sojo loves being with his friends (the fun five) and reading and legos are his main interests.  Soccer, percussion and minecraft are among his favorites but he loves just "hanging out" and not being too busy.  He is definitely a quality time kind of guy!  He is an attentive older brother and tends to the "Littles" very unselfishly.  They bask in his attention.  Sojo is 12 and quite apprehensive about our move to France.  Leaving his friends and extended family behind is hard for him, but the pull of adventuring around Europe does offer him some consolation.  Both he and Strawberry are passionate about art and would have stayed for days touring the Louvre in Paris when we visited this summer.  

Me.  Um.. I am 41, and can't think of any interests or hobbies.  Well, I sure like it when I can catch an afternoon nap and all, but beyond that, I am pretty much in throws of full time mom-hood and I am thankful for this crazy little slice of life.   Oh wait.  I just thought of one.  My lattes are my hobby.  My beautiful creations of espresso and milk swirled together in a glass mug are  a passion of mine!  

Hubby works diligently at his job at Federal Mogul and pours himself into our family.   A few new grays hair sprout out every month and they are a badge of honor for him!  

Well that is a pretty good summary of our family for this Christmas letter!  We are grateful for the gift of salvation that came through Christ on the cross.  We are dependent on the grace He offers us, and we hope to grow in our love and understanding of His greatness in the coming year through all the changes ahead of us.  

We do plan on keeping up on this blog about our time in France.  No promises.  But at least at this point it sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas, friends.  Love to you all!

The Z-pack

*photography by Rose Schmidgall Photography

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving Post ~ Cancel Complaining!


And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.
 And be thankful.

My six year old daughter Maylen enjoys clothes.  She loves laying out her outfit  for school the next day.  She loves mixing and matching and coming up with fun combinations.  However, she really despises folding her clothes.  Last week she looked at her basket of impending work and declared, “I have too many clothes! I wish I did not have so many clothes!”  

I immediately used this as a teaching opportunity to talk to her about children who are so impoverished that they only have one outfit to wear.  Undaunted by this scenario, Maylen sighed heavily and insisted that those girls are truly lucky because they don’t have to waste SO much of their life folding clothes.  I was aghast at her outrageous claim and was momentarily speechless as I formulated my rebuttal.

She cursed her blessings! *
 Let that sink in for a moment. 
 Maylen cursed her blessings.  The very things that she adores, she grumbles about when the tide changes!  I have a feeling that she is not the only one :)

Truly most of the things we complain about are the very blessings that our Heavenly Father has given us out of His love and mercy.  He showers blessings on us and we curse them when they are not convenient for the moment.  Heartbreaking!  

It is a life passion of mine to make sure my children have a global vision.  I believe that in order for our children to be globally focused, they must first recognize the immense blessings overflowing in their  lives that most of the world cannot fathom!  

A few years ago I heard Susie Larson, author of Growing Grateful Kids speak at the Hearts at Home conference.   What I remember most is this nugget of wisdom “You cannot impart what you do not live.”  That quote jarred my soul.  

My OWN heart had to be pouring out thankfulness.

My OWN lips had to cease complaining.
I had to stop cursing my blessings. 

I desperately want my children to be grateful, not consumed with worldliness and constantly wanting more, but it has to start with me.  I then started a crusade of thankfulness to retrain my heart.

~ When I would turn on the water, “Wow, how BLESSED we are that we have CLEAN, running water inside of our house!  

~  After getting medicine for strep throat for the kiddos I would make sure to verbalize, “We are so blessed that we have access to medicine that can make us healthy again, and doctors who can treat us.”

~Instead of my usual grumbling about having to put away all the groceries after a haul from the grocery store, “Thank you God for providing so much healthy food to nourish our bodies that we did not have to grow all by ourselves!”  

It drove my husband a bit batty and it sounded quite campy at times. In fact, it felt quite foreign to me.  But like I said, I was retraining. Quite quickly our children started to tune in to the blessing of having blessings; which were previously considered “givens.”  

Several winters ago, my husband challenged me on how much I was complaining about the bitter cold.   

Said the Hubby, “When we lived in South Carolina you loved the weather, but we were missing out on so much being far away from family.  God blessed us with a job allowing us to move five minutes from your parents!  You were SO excited to move back to Iowa!  You cannot have it both ways!”  

Harrumph.  How right he was.  Again.

I was cursing my blessings.  God had answered a prayer for us and here I was complaining!  

It takes utter self-restraint  for me not to complain about the winters because I truly do disdain them. Every time a thought comes to my head about the unfortunate weather and my state of miserableness, I combat it with focusing on blessings and praising God.   Ephesians 5:20 thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  

The Thanksgiving Holiday is here in all of its glory of feasting and family.  Consider taking a moment with your family to imprint on your hearts to make thankfulness your family banner.  Cancel complaining and let our praises and grateful hearts bring Glory to the Father, our King, our Savior.

Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!
* I thank Kirk and Keri Plattner for introducing me to the concept of cursing our blessings several years ago in their blog.  It has stuck with me and has truly helped me see the sin in my complaining. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Back to School and Home School Curriculum Choices

Back to School! 

Minnie started Kindergarten this week and is really enjoying it!  Mickey will be educated at home for third grade and is also dual-enrolled at our local elementary for Music and Art. 
Kindergarten Teacher

 Polka dot painted toenails for her first day! 

I often get asked about my curriculum choices so I decided to post it this year.  I use an eclectic variety of curriculum.  This year I am using heavy parent involvement curriculum since it is just Mickey and I  at home this year.  Twas impossible last year with our little baby, so he used online learning ( 

Science:  Exploring Creation with Astronomy by Jeannie Fulbright (Young Explorers Series)  One hour, twice a week.  30 lessons.

Social Studies: Easy Peasy Third Grade Geography  20 min per day (online curriculum)
        Heritage Studies 3 BJU press. (one chapter a week)
        Adventures in Other Lands-Abeka (once a week)

Math: Math Lessons for a Living Education Book 3.  Queen Homeschooling Supplies (see affiliate link on sidebar)  Charlotte Mason style education materials.  Daily.  30 min per day
    Guinness World Records Math. Daily 10 min.  
    Ipad Math 10 min

Language Arts: Main Curriculum--Building Christian English Series by Rod and Staff (English 3) (30 min per day)
        Guinness World Records Reading Daily 10 min (supplement)
        How to Write a Story Evan Moor (supplement)
        Daily 6 Trait Writing grade 3 (supplement)
Vocabulary--Words of the Week Volume 1 Daily by Sandi Queen (supplement)
Reading: Abeka Book level 4 and Little House on the Prairie Series
Kindle Math games 10 min

Foreign Language: Rosetta Stone- daily 15 min

Bible: Draw to Learn Proverbs  Ray and Charlene Notgrass  25 min per day.  
Typing:  Ipad (icolor type) and Typing Instructor (cd rom)


Thursday, May 15, 2014

Three Weeks Later....

I have been following this blog the past few months.  A five year old twin boy that started having headaches in January was diagnosed with incurable brain tumor.  Ben Sauer is his name and his mother has been blogging about their journey.

 My mom asked a few months ago why in the world I would immerse myself in such a sad story.  I told her that the mother knew her son was leaving for heaven and I knew our baby Tallie was leaving to her bio dads--both impending, permanent losses yet different circumstances.  The mother's heart-wrenching words brought both comfort and validation to my pain.  Her blog post this morning brought the sad news that her son had died.  She writes that though you know the loss is coming, nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize they are gone.

  Many people have asked me if knowing that Tallie was most likely going to leave made it easier... I don't think it did.  In fact, I think it drew out the pain as we fixated on the impending doom.  I felt guilty when I was frustrated with her ( as one gets with fussy babies at times) as I wanted to just drink in every moment with her.  I felt guilty folding clothes and not playing with her, I felt guilty feeling irritated when she needed holding EVERY moment when she would come home from a visit with her bio dad. It was EXHAUSTING, yet I wanted no regrets. I was terrified of having regrets after she was gone.  And yet,  a mama has to tend to her children, her husband, the laundry, homeschooling, church, etc.... 

 And now the guilt comes in other forms.  Is there more I could have shared with Tallie's lawyer, is there more I could have done to change the outcome of the case?  GUILT!

 Instead of basking of my other two lovebugs' snuggles early in the morning, I feel the stark absence of a pudgy, curly-haired baby that coos in my ear.  I remember my friend blogging about her grief and how numb she had become to everyone.  I feel that same way. GUILT!

 I am in my own little world processing and want to shut everyone else out.  GUILT!

I worry about her.  I KNOW she is missing us and I hope she is being comforted.  I am so worried that she feels abandoned by us.  GUILT!  I speak Truth back to myself, knowing that our family provided her with 10 months of joy and love, but the Enemy attacks. 

 I force myself to participate in life, but I am not truly "living" it right now.. just going through the motions.  I rarely take phone calls as it is hard for me to "small talk", as I know I just can't vomit my heart-ache and anger (towards DHS, bio-dad, etc)  to everyone.

  People have seen me out and about smiling and doing "life" and note that I seem to be doing fine.  That is called compartmentalizing, my friends.  I am fine because I cling to the Truth of Christ, but that simply does not erase the sadness.  I am grateful for the snippets of joy and fun that have come and gone in the last few weeks, but her little grin-face is always, always right in my line of vision. 

 It has been three weeks since I have seen her and I know she has learned new words, new tricks, more curls sprouting and it is killing me to not be there with her.  I wonder if she dreams of us and smiles in her sleep and our silliness.

  I wonder if her bio dad lets her play with the little baby album I made for her.  I wonder if he lets her play with her dolly and wubbanub that I mailed.

  My thoughts are constantly with her, and I know that it is robbing me of my life in the present, but I am so afraid that those thoughts will start to fade away.  I am fearful of getting back to normal as I feel guilty for "letting her go".

  On Mother's Day, our family sat around our Ipad and watched videos of Tallie.  My favorite one was where I was trying to do patty-cake with her ( we always end with a declaration of "MOMMY HUG!").  This particular time, she did not want to do patty-cake, she just wanted to do the "mommy hug" over and over.  I am so thankful that because we are aware of her possible leaving, we tried to record many special moments.  Here is a short video of her that makes me smile....Tallie "uh, oh"

 I feel God's healing presence.  He has not abandoned me or my family and I trust that he has not abandoned our sweet Tallie.  I see His blessings everywhere.  We have been so blessed by the outpouring of love and support.  Meals made for us, thoughtful gifts, cards, phone calls.... we have felt the love of our spiritual family.   I see my children healing, the anger subsiding and I see them seek God for their comfort and not turn from Him as Mickey was very upset with God for not intervening.  Mickey is now learning to trust that God has it all under control and we can trust His ways.  I thank God that he has captured my son's heart and not letting Mickey give into anger and grudges. 

We will never stop praying that bio dad will have compassion and will allow us to see Tallie again.  We welcome anyone to join us in that!

Friday, April 25, 2014

She's Gone

And just like that.  The precious little girl, Tallie  (our nickname for her) is gone. 

That ten month old, curly haired bundle of joy left our home for a visit with her bio dad and never came back.  Court happened in between and the judge made a ruling right before Tallie was to return.  So she didn't.  Though we have all been preparing ourselves as much as possible for this event.  Apparently it wasn't enough.  Maybe you cannot prepare yourself for such a loss.  I know this for sure. You cannot withhold your heart from a sweet baby.  We have had her in our home since she was eleven days old.  Though it was thought at different points that she would be our forever baby, we knew there were risks, but we loved with reckless abandon.  How could we do anything less?

The bio dad brought Tallie to the courtroom and she was delighted to see us as we were sitting behind her.  Then her delight turned to confusion as she wondered why we did not swoop her up.  She let us know that was not acceptable.  She lunged toward us with her arms outstretched, and making a racket.  Hubby and I were frozen, we did not know what to do.  We knew the bio dad would be furious at us if we took her, but we could not reject her.  I quickly asked the dad for permission and shockingly he granted it.  Tallie dove into Hubby's arms and nuzzled her nose deep into his neck, then she came up for air and lunged towards me with her chubby little arms.  She hugged me tightly, then turned to the front of the courtroom towards all watching, smiled her million dollar smile showing her two bottom teeth, and clapped her hands to show how pleased she was. 

I don't even remember the beginning of court as I was just gazing at Tallie and drinking her in.  I did not know this was the last time I was to see her, so I am so glad I had my smile fixed on her.  We knew that DHS was recommending to the court that Tallie go live with her bio dad, so we knew that our time was short, we just did not know how short.  We had asked  Tallie's lawyer if we could address the court.  The judge granted that. 

My sweet husband, stood up, his voice shaky--still holding Tallie.  He explained to the judge that Tallie still sees our family as her first attachment and even though she is learning to like her bio daddy, we feel that a longer transition time would be more beneficial as up to this point Tallie was spending more nights at our home in the week than at her bio-dads.  Nick suggested that we increase the nights at bio-dads, and decrease the nights at our home to lessen the blow of the loss for this precious baby to not put her at risk for reactive attachment disorder. 

I was so proud of my husband.  He loves that little girl and to let her go to another daddy is so painful for him.  He was so articulate in his words though I could hear the pain dripping behind each one. 

Two days before court the bio dad had come to our home to pick up Tallie.  She turned away from her bio dad and clung to Hubby's neck as if to say, "Please protect me daddy!".  Hubby keeps replaying that in his mind and it churns his emotions. 

So this brings us up to yesterday. I am recording all of this here as I print this blog off as a journal for our family and though painful, we never want to forget. 

Hubby and I were both so hopeful after court.  Surely the judge was certain from Tallie's actions that she was primarily attached to us. And shouldn't every judge dealing with these situations understand the importance of attachment?  I guess not.. Apparently they should take the foster care classes. 

I had nightmares all night that she would not be back.  Then at 10am, those nightmares came true.  I truly was in shock.  I could not get a hold of my husband at work, but thankfully my mom had stopped in and I had someone to hold me up. 

I had to tell the kids.  How horrible that they did not get a proper goodbye.  We thought she would be coming back for the weekend.  I weep for them. 

Mickey is really struggling as he is at the tender age of understanding so much yet not much experience.  His heart is broken and I watch him try to cope and it is too much for this mama.  I have always wondered how parents help their children through grief when they themselves are overwhelmed in grief.  I am sad to say that I was not there for my children yesterday.  I barely had enough presence of mind to breathe in and out.  I got a text from a friend early on in the day saying she was bringing me a meal.  I thought that was super nice but quite unnecessary.  I was still in shock when I had gotten that text.  By the time she brought me dinner, I peeled myself from the comfort of my bed, looking like the Lochness Monster and asked, "how did you know?  I thought I was going to be fine.  Apparently my friends know me better than I know me. 

I hate being out of my room as every square inch of my house is covered in reminders of Tallie.  It hurts so bad to see them as my heart longs for her.  But I can't bear to remove them as I can't bear to have pieces of her gone.

 I can't wipe off the little food splatters on her high chair. 

I can't return her jumperoo to my friend who lent it to me as the memory of Tallie bouncing like a crazy Tigger is so vivid.

I can't wash the sheet on her crib because I can still smell her and know that she laid there. 

Suddenly I don't want fresh and clean.  I want her.

I am so upset that her little wubbanub paci (has the stuffed caterpillar on the end of it) is still at our house as I know she needs it, but I can't bear to let go of it.  And her dolly she named Zsa Zsa that she would snatch up to her face and nuzzle her face.  I was going to send that all along with her.  I just did not know she was not coming back.  I am making a box to mail, but it is so painful to put it in there, especially as I think there is a good chance her bio dad will throw it in the trash the moment he gets the package.  He does not want any memories of us in her life.  He does not want us at all in her life.  This is so hard for me to process.  My emotions, not just me--all of our emotions are on super high.  Sadness, Anger, Disappointment, Frustration.  I never know which one is going to pop up and render me useless. 

Then Hubby came home last night.  Poor man, he had to bear the news at work--did not tell a single soul as he was in meetings all day, then came home to face the reality.  The same is happening to him.  He sadly took her half-eaten baby food jars out of the refrigerator and threw them away, his heart heavy.   He found the Ping-Pong ball lodge under the chair in the living room.  Just two days ago, Tallie had been giggling and chasing that thing all over the kitchen. 

Our home feels like a morgue. No longer a refuge.  It is a place of pain.  We know this is part of the process.  We have heard others talk about it.  We just have never felt it ourselves.  Sorrow is such an oppressive and heavy feeling.  I am so thankful that so many that have had deep loss in their life have come alongside us and we can see that God has restored joy in their life.  We can see that Christ will keep his promise to bind up the broken-hearted as it says in Isaiah.  God is using his people to bring us comfort, to share in our loss.  Our friends have really recognized our loss, though it is not a death-- where we have customs in place to move along the grief process, they grieve with us and are seeing us through.  Facebook-- though Social media has its downsides, has been a true blessing for us as hundreds of messages of prayers and love have been sent our way.  Hubby and I read them outloud and thank God for the support.  We don't feel alone. 

But then there is my son.   I am learning so quickly about children and grief.  My son and my daughter are processing it so differently.  My five year old daughter repeatedly tells me she is sad and that she wants Tallie to come back. But she has joy.  My eight-year old boy has pain in his eyes.  He feels alone in his sadness as most talk to us about our loss but forget that our children are experiencing great pain.  I am so grateful when adults (like my amazing Aunt  Cindy) let him know how very sorry she was that his little sister left our home.  He is grateful too.  He told me he wants to be around people who can share in his loss.  He tells me the people that he knows that are sad that Tallie left.  He counts his friends who were "in" to Tallie and swooned over her like he did. 

Mickey revolted today when I went to take Tallie's car seat out of the car.  "NO!", he cried.  Don't take it out.  I explained that we had to take it out, though it hurt my heart to do so.  It feels like a rejection of her.  Even though the car seat is gone, Mickey refuses to move from the back of the van to the middle row with his sister.  "That's Tallie's place."  Oh Lord, we need wisdom.  Please grant us the wisdom to know how much to push and how much to let slide.

We have received cards in the mail and  Solomon is quick to note that the person addresses each family member or "family".  He reads them and re-reads them.  He finds solace in words.  Like his mama. 

One of  Mickey's good friends just came by and dropped off a letter to him. Mickey is out fishing with his Papa right now but I know that when he comes home and reads this letter that it will be huge for him.  My heart is so grateful for the helps that Jesus sends our way. 

On the day that Tallie left, our family went to a family counseling appointment to learn about leading our family through grief as we were concerned with the depth of Mickey's anger and sadness.

We learned so much!  Wow!  First, she told us that Mickey's was handling it in a very healthy way and because he was so open about his feelings with us that she felt all was well.  She then told us not to teach during this time of grief.  When he talks about being angry, don't give him scripture about anger.  Which Hubby and I had totally been doing.  She told us to affirm his feelings and let him vent.  She said that when the heart is so full of emotion that teaching is ineffective and frustrating and to wait a few months when the dust has settled to go back and teach.  She also told us that the children are so used to pouring their love out to Tallie and to not have a way to do that will be hard for them.  She encouraged us to have them write letters often or buy little things and send them Tallie's way so that they feel like they can act on their feeling of love.  Once again.. Brilliant. 

Another piece of advice was to have the children talk about their favorite memories of being with Tallie and to write them in a journal or scrapbook. 

So that is my hope with this blog.  Not for readers, not even for me--though it is cathartic to have my own place to write--but for my children so that they don't have to worry about their special times slipping away to the forgotten places of their brain.

My great sadness is that I don't get to help Tallie through her pain.  I know she is wondering where we are.  I can't even think about that without losing it.  I hate it that she doesn't know that we would do anything to be with her.  We learned so much in Foster Care class about the trauma of babies when they are removed from their "attachment".  It is terrible.  I wish that I did not know all of that now as I long to hold her and comfort and give her the security that every baby deserves. 

We are broken.  And there is nothing to do but walk through this valley clinging to our Lord.  There is no way to avoid the pain.  There is no way to bypass the stages of grief. It is what it is because we are not in heaven yet where the Bible promises there will be no more tears and no more goodbyes.  We are not home yet, but when we get there, what a sweet reprieve it will be to shed the sadness that life on earth can bring, and live in pure joy with our God

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Annual Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our family!

 2013 was a year of mind-boggling adjustments as we became licensed foster parents in January.  We have experienced such an emotional roller-coaster as a family in this position.  We are not permitted to write on the world wide web about these children specifically or post any pictures; hence blog-writing has come to a halt. Summing up our thoughts on our family involved in foster care is this:  Though heart-breaking it is, we would not trade the moments of opportunity we had/have to pour out our and the Father's love on these little ones. Being able to teach an eight year old to ride a bike and swim and learning how to style a three year old's afro have been priceless. (picture me standing in Target in the ethnic hair aisle feeling very overwhelmed)

 Our children (code names Mickey and Minnie) have grown in so many areas as they have served in the foster care role.  We had only a few days notice for a newborn to arrive in our home and Mickey and Minnie have loved learning all about taking care of a teensy baby!  We have been so thankful for the love of family and friends who generously help out with our new family additions.

Highlights of this year:

~Taking our kiddos skiing for the first time!  They LOVED it!

~ Visiting the Ringger family in Detroit, going to the Science Museum. My favorite was being able to hold a real human brain!

~ Travelling to Omaha, Nebraska for a home school conference, staying with the Hunts (friend from high school days) and getting to go to the Art museum and zoo

~  a relaxing family vacation at Lake Michigan where we did nothing but play on the beach and eat ice cream.

~  celebrated Great Grandma Zaugg's birthday in West Bend with lots of family

~ welcomed a new niece Wren!

~  Lake Michigan weekend with our Fort Wayne couple friends

~ Bed and Breakfast weekend with the Hubby's side of the family celebrating Christmas

~ Hubby had the opportunity to travel to S. Korea and China for business.

Hubby is still at Federal Mogul, I am still home-educating.  Minnie is in Pre-K and Mickey is in 2nd grade.  We are so grateful for our health and have joy in our salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord!

May you and your family have a blessed year and draw closer to our Creator!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

It's TIME!!!!!

Recently I did a book review for this book below on this blog.  Let's just say, I am a believer and cannot wait for mom's around the globe to be able to get their hands on this! I truly think Jill's words will transform many lives with the power of God's Truths! 

 I am promoting this book so wildly because I signed up to be on the launch team for this book because I  BELIEVE in the principles of this book and see the quest for perfection destroying the joy that God has intended for us! 

 Go to and read the reviews~  

Then add about 30 to your cart and give them for gift to every mom you see!  (heehee)

click on the picture below to see how to get AMAZING resources after purchasing this book!!!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Lord's Prayer

Minnie set out to memorize the Lord's Prayer:

"Our fathers who aren't in heaven".....

So precious is her little voice and I just had to giggle at her sweet way.  I mean who can really expect a four year old to think that "art" would go in that sentence!?

Sunday, January 13, 2013

No More Perfect Moms

Click here to sign up!!!

I was very intimidated to become a mother.  

This comes as a surprise to most people as I had been a nanny for four years prior to marrying Hubby.  Hubby tried to convince me that I would be a wonderful mom. 

 I tried to convince him that I would not.  

It is not that I did not want children.  It is just that I did not want to fail and I was certain failure was impending.  

I tried to convince my husband "Being a nanny was a breeze! My only responsibility was to keep the little boy  safe and have fun with him plus I got nights and weekends off (not to mention a paycheck!) !  Being a mom means running a household, PTA bakesales, and making  real meals!  I will never excel at any of that, you know me! I can never be like Jenny, Deb, Jane!"  (three moms in our church that I really admire)

Hubby spoke words to me that have stuck with me for a decade now.  "oh Honey"  You are not them!  But you are taking the very best of their gifts and comparing yourself to Jenny's creativity, Deb's cooking and Jane's organization!  You can never be the best at everything.  God gave them each gifts and he gave YOU incredible gifts as well!  Embrace who God made you!"

Now just stop right there.  

Lest you think that I married a man who walks around speaking words of affirmation to me left and right.. you are quite wrong.  But his wise words did pierce my heart and begin to change how I viewed myself.  I knew that I needed to see myself through God's eyes and not in the shadow of the people around me.  After all He created me, He clearly had a plan and purpose for me!

So you can IMAGINE how thrilled I was to become part of Jill Savage's launch team for her new book entitled No More Perfect Moms!   I have been devouring the  book and cannot wait for its release in a few weeks because I want to be able to share it with the world!!!  I LOVE the notion that we all stop putting on a facade and accept each other as imperfect mothers!

“We need courage to be honest with ourselves that perfection is impossible. We need to cut ourselves some slack. See ourselves through eyes of grace. Love ourselves… Imperfections included.” –Jill Savage, NO MORE PERFECT MOMS 

One of the best bible study nights took place last Spring.  There was a snowstorm so it was only a few moms that could come--a much smaller group than normal.  

And it got real.  

One mom just dropped her mask and laid out her heart, " It is so hard getting all the kids ready in the morning.  I get to work and I realize that I have been rushing, and yelling at my children and that is all they see of me anymore... an angry stressed- out mom .. I am so ashamed.  "

And then it was beautiful.

The masks all dropped off and all the moms were sharing about their failures, and comforting each other.  

Several times I heard the other moms say, "I had no idea other moms felt the same way I did.  I thought I was the only one. I had so much guilt"  

That evening could have turned out VERY differently.

Suppose someone with a critical spirit would have condemned her.  

We have all been that person at one point or another... whether in our hearts or verbally and have haughtily made someone feel lower.

Jill addresses how to combat our natural judgement inclination  and throughout her book, she has loads of applicable and practical insight that help in areas that we are struggling.  

In closing, I would like to share two things with you in the spirit of being real!

Many months ago, I was frantically getting my house company ready.  I needed to spend my time with the big things.. like food prep and general housecleaning. I could not be bothered with the little bits of things that had morphed into piles.  So took a shoebox around the house and scooted those little things into the box and put it in my closet.  

The next week I cleaned out my car and filled another little box full of things that needed dealt with but did not have the time.  This clearly became an addictive way of speed cleaning for me and I acquired several little storage boxes of "things that need to be dealt with".  

I have NOW put them all in one box and in SIGHT in my bedroom so I will be forced to deal with these annoying things.  It turns out that it was quite an amount once I put all those little stashes together.  

So here it is. 


Yes, I am organizationally challenged.  

But I have come to learn that even organizational wizards have their shortcomings as well! One of my closest friends is a neat freak and anytime I feel intimidated by her.. I remind myself that she forgot to brush her children's teeth for an entire summer!!! 

Anyone out there want to join me in tearing down the walls of shame in Motherhood?   Click Here for the link to find out info about this amazing book entitled No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage. 

Settling In

It has been seven days since we arrived in France.  I feel like we were tossed inside a front load washing machine for the last seven days...